Staying Awake for the Moments That Matter
For most of my childhood and adolescent life, I was known amongst family and friends as the “space cadet”. My mind had a funny way of taking me away from present conversations and into its own separate dreamland – typically ruminations about the past or future. In these moments, I wasn’t aware that my mind had wandered off until it eventually shifted back to reality, where I would wake up and realize I was completely lost in the conversation. Perhaps my mind wandered more than the average person, but I know everyone has experiences of being mentally distracted from the present moment.
Ironically, through the existential wonderings that have shaped my 20s, I have become increasingly obsessed with the idea of presence and attention. I realized that the moments in life that are most meaningful and fulfilling are those that I am fully present for…moments like dribbling a soccer ball towards the goal in the middle of a heated game, having a deep conversation with a friend, coaching a client through a breakthrough, or catching up with my family over dinner.
These are only moments. I’m not 100% present 100% of the time.
But I am getting better. Because I’ve learned how to train my attention, I’m no longer falling into the “space cadet” trap. Meditation has been a big part of this journey, but there is one other approach that I’ve found especially useful through my training in performance psychology. The approach pertains to the four attentional styles.
This is how each style might look at a given moment in the day:
Internal narrow - attending to my own thoughts after receiving a frustrating email
Internal broad - attending to how tired my whole body is feeling after a lunch break
External narrow - attending to my boss as she leads a team meeting
External broad- attending to an entire room as I enter a conference
We are constantly (and subconsciously) shifting between these attentional styles every single day. But sometimes, our attentional style doesn’t match what the moment is asking of us. For instance, I may be giving a big presentation to my team, but my attention is inwardly focused on the anxiety I feel coursing through my body (internal broad). Since we invite what we give attention to, the anxiety persists and I begin to lose grasp of the presentation. Perhaps I would give a better presentation if I shifted my attention outward towards my team (external broad) and was fully present with them, rather than struggling in my own head.
Of course, this isn’t a groundbreaking realization – we know that being present is the goal. The question is, how do we actually make that shift in our attention?
Ultimately, it’s about being more intentional with our attention. I find it helpful to reflect throughout the day and ask myself: what attentional style is each moment asking of me? Before a big presentation or an important conversation, I consciously choose the attentional style that best suits each situation. I will then focus my attention in the desired manner, and if I notice it shifting, I will bring it back to the intended attentional style. This back and forth is the training, and with time, the mind gets better at noticing when it’s not where it needs to be. It all starts with awareness, and with awareness comes the ability to choose to be present for the moments that matter.